Wow, what a wonderful time to be alive and living my life. I am a real art teacher now (Have accepted and signed the paperwork on a job). Pat and I are taking the first real steps on being adults, getting out on our own and having our own life. We will be moving for the first time in our marriage, I will have a job that actually deals with my desired career and years of college and Pat will be continuing to take his higher education further and become an embalmer. Truly their is a lot to be celebrated and excited about. BUT WAIT. I have anxiety, sure I could just get over it, quit using it as a crutch. These are things I can logically do in the mind of someone who does not deal with life crippling anxiety. When I try to comprehend the steps I need to take to even prepare to move, I am overwhelmed. When I think about the yet to be done planning for this new classroom, I am overwhelmed. When I look at websites to help me plan for these things I am overwhelmed. Honestly, Looking at the mail sitting on the counter, the unpacked boxes, the unfinished projects, the dishes in the sink, the friends who I rarely hear from, the plants that need water, the idea of writing a blog, my chipped nail polish, the skin which I obsessively pick at, these things all overwhelm me, bring me moments from tears. See most people don’t understand this eternal fear/dread/whatever, they just live their lives, have babies at 19, quit steady jobs, get infinity symbol tattoos, are in debt up to their ears and buying caramel macchiatos. I’m sorry, wait no I’m not, That I can not comprehend this. I have the block on my shoulder, or rather between my ears, that will not let me not overthink/analyze everything.
Ok, Sarah….. But this is exciting, its different. Yes, It is exciting. Yes, I worked my BUTT off trying to get this opportunity. Yes, I have very supportive people surrounding me, except verbally. Honestly, the irony of this entire huge life step is that besides Pat, the only people who have really been verbally encouraging about this decision have not been the people I expected and needed to offer me that encouragement. Cue- Extra Anxiety. I know that I have people to catch me when I fall, I get that. But, I don’t intend to fall and I need some people to not be so openly discouraging. Yes I have anxiety, I don’t want it to define me, but sometimes it does, it is overpowering and hard to manage. I am ready to take control, I am ready to be brave, I am ready to not live in fear. SO, As Pat and I take this journey one step at a time, be joyful and celebrate.
This is an honest post about my life, feel free to ask me any questions if you have them.